A Page From My Diary

February 29, 2012 A Leap Year

Dear Diary
  I'm not one to share my innermost feelings as you know, so I come to you to write them down. It's no secret that I have issues that needs to be dealt with and I have done so, however, there are those that I just have to live with... endure.
  This entry isn't anything secretive or racy, just thoughts I need to write down to clear my head, so, I'm going to be honest and as direct as possible. Maybe, one day when this is read by others, they will be able to feel the pent up pain that I've carried...have carried for so long!
   I've stopped counting the years since I loss daddy. When he passed, I suffered a huge loss...a chunk of my life. Shortly afterwards, I lost Poppa...and my life has never been the same! The two most important men in my life died and...I felt as if I died too!
  Things in my life went downhill from there. Oh, I didn't get out there and wallow in the gutter as you know...nothing like this or anything else stupid. I just literally went into myself. Does this make sense? I loss so much of me...like chunks of my core...my being!
  
  Just when I thought I could begin to breathe, act, be normal, a few years later, I lost grandma...my love! Oh God, I know death happens ...I know why and I'll never, ever blame you...but Lord, the pain and deep hurt has no boundaries! It reaches down inside of your very soul like daggers, jagged knives...cutting, jabbing, twisting, and the pain seemingly is unending.
 The move to Florida was a reprieve for me. I had good doctors there and things were better for me. You know I went to work as an Executive Housekeeper in one of the better Hotel, with a huge staff, then taught school for a while and worked with children with challenges. However, I grew tired of this too. Something was always missing, and I didn't know what!

  After 20 years is Florida, we moved to Georgia and I started my cleaning business and homeschooled Carly. Nostalgia proved to be strong with the both of us. Our Mom's were older, we both were the oldest out of the children, so the decided to move back to Louisiana. Looking back, we'd come full circle.
 
  I felt good about coming home and when we made a trip back before moving, Mary Ruth, a cousin, came to the house where we were working hard on repairs, etc. in order to move in.
  Remember how we laughed and made plans to sit on our porches together, drink iced tea, and I'd listen to her tell me about the folks who passed by. I so looked forward to being with her again. I thought moving back home would continue to help me heal, but boy was I wrong! When it hit me again, it was much worse!
 
  I'm not stupid by any means, but somewhere in the recesses of my mind, I suppose I thought I could resurect the feel, and ways of the past etc. Little did I know this cousin who all in the family said we were so much alike, would not keep that date with me...I lost her too, before I moved back home!
  Her husband found her dead in the yard where she was working in her flowers, something we both had in common! Another loss, and still...I went even deeper into myself? I could feel myself getting further...further back drawing away from society...from people. Doc said I had Social Anxiety Disorder. This on top of all the other stuff.

James, bless him, stuck with me...you know Dear Diary, he is gentle and caring...my rock! Always with me and has never left my side, even as I fought for reality and sanity! Do you know how hard it is to do this! However, deep inside I knew I could not give in, nor would I give up, because I knew within my soul if I did, It would be the end for me. And, Doc kept asking me, "Are you having thoughts of dying?" And, I'll come back with some smarty-pants answer. I do love Doc.
  Those thoughts would come into my head, but I fought to rid them. You know how Ashley has constantly helped me, Yes, this baby was my lifesaver! When James is at work, he is by my side and still is! But, this too didn't last! Another blow...this time it touched the both of us shaking us to the core!

This one brought me to my knees and James went to pieces! It was his brother, Arthur, my baby sister's husband...yes, we married brothers! He was riding his motorcycle home, and without knowing the details, he got off the cycle and knocked on a woman's door... then fell dead at her feet! "Oh Lord" I prayed. Not again...not again Lord! James hasn't been the same since. He lost a huge chunk of himself too! Once again, I went into myself! It was so very hard, because I knew my husband needed me...this time. I had to muster up courage...for him. My faith and trust in the Lord never waived!

 
  You see, I don't grieve the way I suppose to. I don't cry, now show any emotions. It is all held in. This happened when my Dad died. I had to do everything...I was the fixer in the family. Everyone leaned on me, I couldn't fall apart too! You have to keep going and I did...I did it all, even months after his death...I was still fixing it!
How I did it I don't know...James kept asking me, "Are you ok?" I didn't know...I just kept going all those times of loss.

 Now, oh my Dear Lord...James has the same heart condition as his brother died with, it's in his family. He's sick now I know, but will not tell me anything! I just found out he has test on the 12th and what the test are. Yes, heart related. He has lost so much weight...too fast! He's depressed and very tired, but continues to work. His left knee has almost twist around to the left, yet, he still works.
 I am so afraid...I can't say the words... it is tooo painful just thinking about it! What will I do if...
 I'm going to stop now because it hurts to much to say, even think these words! I'm afraid to let the tear flow...let them go. I don't know why, maybe because I won't be able to stop them...control them...control myself! It's too hard to continue, so, Dear Diary, I'm tucking it all away until the next time...